How to get rid of distrust in a relationship? Distrust is a disease
Trust is the foundation of a relationship
A person gradually learns to trust from childhood, observing an example of the relationship of his parents and people close to him. A pleasant homely atmosphere, harmonious and trusting relationships between family members bring up the inner core in the child, form a self-sufficient and holistic personality.
Education in an environment of distrust and reproach makes a person incredulous, who finds it difficult to open up and trust others.
Trust has its extreme degree of expression - it is gullibility and distrust. Too open and gullible people often fall prey to relationships. Then they are afraid that they will be deceived, trying to avoid unnecessary manifestations of feelings and emotions.
It then becomes extremely difficult for such people to create healthy relationships based on trust. They become incredulous. It is difficult to trust people who are extremely trusting, it is even more difficult to trust incredulous people. Therefore, it is so important to learn internal trust, which will be the key to creating correct and healthy relationships based on trust.
Confidence in relationships can be in pairs, where everyone knows how to trust not only their partner, but also themselves. Internal distrust generates such negative feelings and emotions as reproaches, suspicions, and even jealousy.
Relationship without trust
With the appearance of distrust in a relationship, a feeling of love is often dulled, due to frequent quarrels, misunderstandings and reproaches. For strong relationships, it is necessary to identify the main causes of uncertainty and mistrust.
Often people do not notice how little attention they pay to their partner, in turn, demanding excessive attention to themselves. Claims contribute to the first manifestation of distrust of the partner.
Obsessive, suspicious thoughts only exacerbate the situation, and in the end a conflict arises. The reason for this distrust is contrived thoughts, actions and feelings that partners attribute to each other. Therefore, you should not go in cycles in trifles and do not wind up itself.
Another source of distrust in relationships may be unjustified expectations. This happens when, first, love does not appear for another person, but for your feeling of love. Often this happens in couples in which one partner has long loved the other unrequitedly. Dreams and dreams of a loved one absorb a person so much that already in a relationship with him (when love for another comes) he is trying to realize all his dreams. This is what leads to mistrust of the partner’s feelings.
Starting a new relationship, a person strives for harmony. Only often the euphoria of the first meetings is replaced by sadness, alienation, lack of understanding, constant suspicions and doubts.
What are the true causes of doubt and mistrust?
1. The most common cause of doubt, most often, is a failed past experience. Try to forget the past, start, as they say, from scratch.
2. Doubtful behavior of the partner or his superficial attitude towards you can also cause suspicions, doubts and distrust.
3. Internal complexes and the lack of healthy self-esteem are fertile soil for the emergence of mistrust in the partner.
4. Doubts and suspicion may also arise without reason. If, for example, the partner suffers from pathological jealousy. The cause of which may be internal self-doubt, improper upbringing, etc.
5. Own lies, betrayals and dishonest behavior. Paradoxically, but it is precisely such reasons that can make a person doubt the decency of another.
Constant nervous tension invariably leads to stresses that are bad for the general state of health, cause insomnia and a host of other troubles. Yes, and the relationship without trust ends pretty quickly and not always peacefully. Sometimes distrust makes a partner very difficult in everyday communication, he becomes overly suspicious, grumpy, which is also a common cause of the breakup of stable couples.
How to regain trust in a relationship?
- First, learn to trust in the details. Stop checking your partner for honesty. Think about whether you yourself are honest to the end. Leave the partner and the right to non-complaint.
- Understand the reasons for your distrust. Are you annoyed about a particular partner’s behavior? Do not like looking towards a certain person? Confused by the late return home? Discuss everything in a positive way with your loved one. Perhaps, to all your doubts about your partner’s feelings there is a completely objective explanation.
- Understand that love is a free decision and has nothing to do with slavery.
- All troubles have their own solution - this is the main principle, even if the worst suspicions are confirmed.
- Talk frankly with your partner about your doubts. Probably, he will easily dispel all accumulated suspicions.
- A positive attitude helps to find mutual understanding, and a good sense of humor will help defuse the situation.
10/31/2016 at 15:00
Hello dear friends!
In the modern world, it is very difficult to afford to trust people unconditionally. This feature is especially pronounced when meeting a stranger and establishing the first contact.
Distrust is a total doubt in veracity. By the word "truthfulness" we can mean sincerity, openness and good intentions.
Some individuals tend to trust other relatives until they receive a painful refutation of the effectiveness of this approach. Another type of individuals shows suspicion and caution immediately, without departing from the box office of the first meeting. Theoretically, both approaches are logical and reasoned.
The choice of a behavioral model depends on the level of sociability, the pursued benefits and the sphere of contact (work, hobbies, personal relationships). But it happens that this kind of "protection" appears completely unjustified and applies to all indiscriminately and analysis.
« I do not want to trust someone!"- a man may exclaim in the hearts. But in the end, such an approach in a relationship dooms an individual to loneliness and isolation. The pathological distrust of people does not act as protection, but as dependence. But why do we express such a negative reaction?
Where does the doubt of veracity come from?
The science of psychology claims that a tendency to distrust is formed in early childhood. Each child depends on the opinion of his parent and, of course, on his actions addressed to him.
And at the same time, I want to note that as soon as mom or dad stop immediately responding to the loud call of the child, he instantly begins to suspect the elder of treason and lack of love. Doubt develops into irritation and the baby shifts it to an adult, planting seeds of distrust in fertile soil.
Growing up, a person can cause an “attack” on their own. How does this happen? The fault is personal experience with a depressing rating of "negative." Constant empathy with past emotional wounds received at work because of a colleague or boss do their job. Now add a few problems to the cocktail in the form of a betrayal of a friend and difficulties with a loved one.
It turns out that too distrustful individuals are those who played in the process of idealization of the personality, who became hostages of their attitude to people. Illusions and the inability to let go of the past play a cruel joke with them, giving no chance to try a different way out of the situation.
They are so demanding of everything that surrounds them that they often hang labels. Any mistake is perceived by them as a betrayal! Summarizing, it is precisely the people of the suspicious category who can safely draw a line by stating: “ He left, which means all men are animals!».
Sometimes a feeling of distrust reaches its climax in the form of an obsession: “ Enemies everywhere! Everyone wants to hurt me! No one can be trusted anymore ...". And here is how to learn to trust people again after such an installation? First of all, you need to understand the main reasons for the emergence of an insidious feeling.
Where does it start?
1. Secrets are always revealed
3. Reality and rejection of template beliefs
Understand that not all men are characterized by the word "womanizer," and for girls it is not only money that is important, etc. In order for you to trust a person, you need to discard all beliefs imposed by society or a circle of friends.
Help people show their best side! And this is possible only in the case of complete liberation from stereotypical thinking.
4. Implement dialogs
The habit of starting with threats and accusations will never lead to a constructive conversation. Instead of crumbling into evil epithets or silent insults, you should finally try to find out the uncomfortable moments!
Ask why he did this? Or why did she give out a secret? Perhaps a frank dialogue debunking prejudice and twisting is much more useful than avoiding and posing an ostrich?
Friends, learn to understand others and do not become selfish. After all, it is very important to be able to analyze the situation not only from your bell tower, but also to look at it through the eyes of another, living person.
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Write in the comments, but do you think it is possible to regain the lost trust?
See you on the blog, bye-bye!
Distrust of people is a natural psychological phenomenon for any person. Most often, caused by the betrayal of a loved one, or the experience of other people that was observed, and gave rise to their own distrust of people.
This topic would be irrelevant if the paranoid distrust were not so inflated. Chronic distrust often leads to a mild degree of sociophobia, and then to more serious consequences.
People tend to lie, and it’s hard to imagine a person who has never lied to him in his life. We time, deceive, deceit, flatter: this is our nature. Lies can be found at every turn, but only a severe shock can cause distrust of people in general. You can not trust specific people or groups of people, but when you stop trusting all people, you understand that the reason is in the past.
Why are people ready to betray at any suitable occasion? It's all about awareness. No, not awareness of the situation in which a person can fall, but in self-awareness. I will give an example, for a complete understanding: if a person is not able to deceive and betray, then he is fully conscious, if not, then - unconscious.
In this case, it can be assumed that, in essence, you are the only person you can trust. Trust completely. Only to myself.
Reasons for mistrust of people
Now we turn to the details of the cause of pathological distrust of people. Of course, these are past events, upheavals, betrayal, but what next? It was, and you have continued to live on, what then does not allow us to trust? Fear. The internal state of our consciousness, awareness of danger, self-preservation instinct, call it whatever you like, but fear will remain fear.
What are we afraid of? The answer to this question is very simple. We are afraid to become deceived again, we are afraid to lose, something expensive, something dear, we are afraid to lose part of ourselves, or completely.
And when we found out the cause of our fear, namely fear, because distrust comes from here, we can proceed to the investigation.
You do not trust people, everyone and everyone, relatives and friends, friends and strangers, loved ones and relatives. Remember, what happened should have happened, do not be afraid of people, they will deceive, betray, but you will be ready for this. Be realistic, don’t wear pink glasses, but don’t look at the world in gray. Yes, the world is not perfect, and people even more so. But you, you are the world in which you live. Everyone creates the surrounding world for himself.
I am not saying that you should start trusting people again, just be prepared, trust each person at a different level, do not substitute your back. Go level. And all will be well.
If you still can’t trust people, even to some extent, well, you’re just not ready for this, but don’t despair, everything will come with time.
In conclusion, I want to say that there are situations when we have to trust people, but before that, think carefully, calculate each scenario, what can develop after this or that choice. And maybe someday, you will be grateful to those people whom you decided to trust yourself.
So what is “trust”? The human brain likes to think in understandable categories. And this very “trust” cannot be seen or touched. Nevertheless, this “ephemeral” quantity is of great importance.
Trust can be sought for months and even years. And lose in a jiffy ... Unfair, you say? But listen, don’t you know that a fly in the ointment spoils a whole barrel of honey? Do you disagree with this? And this, however, is so. And if you drop just one drop of ink into a glass with crystal clear water, then the water will become cloudy. So this life is arranged: the process of creation is always thorny and tortuous. Creating is always difficult, difficult and long. And you can destroy the created almost always, without making special efforts.
I will give you one more analogy. At home, every self-respecting housewife fights daily for cleanliness. We wipe the dust, wash the floors, perform many other actions. And all for the sake of maintaining cleanliness. And in order to live in the mud, no effort is needed. The dirt will appear by itself. And inevitably.
In a relationship, everything develops in a similar way. A clean relationship needs to be maintained on a regular basis. And to make certain efforts to this. You can, of course, let it go. But then the consequences will not be long in coming.
Trust is a very complex and multifaceted category. It is like a precious vessel of pure water. And this water can quench the thirst of both partners. But this vessel is very fragile. It is not difficult to break it. And sometimes it’s impossible to restore.
Why does trust go away? There can be many reasons for this. But you can still highlight the main ones.
1. Emotional coldness
Emotions are the catalyst and energy of relationships. We really need each other's emotions. We bathe in positive emotions and experience discomfort from negative ones. Emotional coldness is the lack of reaction from the partner. You expect some kind of emotional manifestation from him - joy, delight or sympathy, but in return you get nothing. It hurts and hurts you, but he has a feeling that it’s all the same.
You need to understand that at different points in his life, everyone can experience a state of emotional coldness. But if a person is mentally healthy, then such periods cannot be too long and often repeated.
If on your way there is a person for whom emotional coldness is the norm, then it is better to stay away from him. Take care of your nervous system. The key to emotional coldness lies deep in childhood. In such a child, parents ignored his emotional needs. It was important for them that the baby was dressed, shod and fed. Having not received parental love in childhood, a child, becoming an adult, begins to reject the love of other people.
Many women, having met an emotionally cold man on their way, believe that with their love they can melt the “ice” in his heart. And in the short term, they do it. But their happiness does not last very long. Emotional coldness is like a disease. And sometimes it’s easier to keep such a person out of your heart than to suffer and suffer later.
2. Indifference
At first glance, it may seem that emotional coldness and indifference are synonyms. However, it is not. Emotional coldness is a state of mind. When a person walks through life with a heart that is securely locked not only from outsiders, but also from loved ones. The moments when access to the heart is nevertheless open are rare and they are extremely short-lived.
Indifference is a state of mental “closedness” in the here and now mode, that is, behavior that is not characteristic of a particular person, but due to him or her by certain life circumstances. Very often indifference is a tool of punishment. Say, you offended me (a), and now I will punish you in revenge with icy indifference. But here it is important to understand that there is nothing more painful than the realization that your loved one "doesn’t care." The punishment of indifference is extremely cruel, and the person who uses it most likely does not really have deep feelings for you. After all, when you love, you cannot look at how your soul mate suffers and suffers. If a person admits this method of influence for himself, then he does not love or does not know how to love.
3. Excessive control
Control is a form of distrust. In a partnership, control is acceptable and even welcome. But in friendship and love, any control will be perceived negatively. If you trust your neighbor, then you give him complete freedom of action, understanding that he will not hurt you and make you suffer.
4. Lack of flexibility, unwillingness to compromise
In any relationship, conflict situations occur from time to time. And here both parties must be able to be flexible. Stubbornness and unwillingness to plead guilty is a direct path to the loss of confidence. Inner ego and pride are the main reasons why it is so difficult for a person to take the first step towards reconciliation. But think pure trust relationships - isn't it more important? Who will need your pride and your ego if you are left alone, deliberately pushing away from yourself those people who have always treated you with attention and respect?
4. The open manifestation of negative emotions
Rudeness, voice enhancement, stinging jokes - all this does not contribute to confidence building. It is very easy to succumb to momentary emotions and “let off steam” on a person close to you. It is much more difficult to keep your emotions under control and understand that your partner will not always do everything the way you want it to. However, this is not a reason to break down and shout at him.
5. Betrayal
There is nothing much to discuss here. Betrayal is the worst evil for a relationship. It destroys trust at once. The pain of a person whose feelings turned out to be loyal can be described with great difficulty.
Trust relationships can only be built with people emotionally close to each other. If emotional intimacy has arisen, then confidence will come over time. But you need to understand that as soon as people began to trust each other, they automatically become emotionally unprotected. This means that any caustic joke, any spoken word that is out of place can greatly offend and cause mental pain. Remember this and value the trust of those who love and respect you!
Some people tend to trust others until they receive strong evidence of their insecurity and insincerity. Others from the very beginning prefer to be wary. Both are perfectly normal. However, it happens that this protection begins to appear always and indiscriminately. "I trust no one!" - the person says and distrust no longer protects him, but controls him, dooming him to loneliness and isolation. What to do?
Where does distrust come from?
The tendency to distrust usually arises in childhood. Children are completely dependent on adults and simply have to trust them.
However, if the mother hesitates a little and does not immediately respond to the call, the child begins to suspect her of a lack of love for him. Angry at his mother, he ascribes to her his own annoyance, laying the ground for future distrust.
The Austro-German psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, who first investigated this phenomenon of children's distrust of parents, believed that such experiences are natural, unless they subordinate the whole emotional life of the child.
Having matured, he will be able to calmly accept the duality of his attitude towards others: he will learn to put up with the fact that momentary suspicion of a loved one does not preclude trust and love for him.
Parents should be careful: their own fears, especially those given too emotionally, can increase the child’s natural tendency to distrust. You should not get too carried away with warnings like “Do not trust everyone in a row”, or you will later have to teach your child to trust people.
Of course, for the safety of the child, such recommendations are necessary, but they need to be voiced calmly, avoiding frightening language. It’s better to say: “Be careful when communicating with strangers”, “Try to be careful.”
Already in adulthood, total distrust can arise on the basis of one's own unpleasant experience: a colleague has set up, an old friend has betrayed, he has deceived a loved one ... Those who idealize relations between people and live in captivity of their illusions are too distrustful.
Excessively demanding of others, they perceive any mistake as a betrayal. Negative experience leads them to unfair global generalizations: "He left me, then all men are scoundrels."
Sometimes mistrust can become an obsession: “I no longer trust anyone. No one is worthy of my trust - there are only enemies all around. ” However, blaming others, we often unconsciously try to avoid unpleasant thoughts about our own imperfection.
How to learn to trust people? Realizing that relationships with another person is always a risk. The first impression will change, and our feelings will have to pass a serious test of strength. But in order to realize and accept this risk, self-confidence is necessary, otherwise any failure will become a cause for despair.
A consistent rejection of close relations, a priori confidence that we are surrounded by envious and ill-wishers, as a rule, testify to one thing: we simply do not have enough faith in ourselves.
How to learn to trust people
1. Determine the cause. The unwillingness to trust people is often associated with our painful experience. Having restored it in detail in our memory, we will understand that the danger came from one specific person who really abused our trust in the past, and not from all people in principle.
2. Recall the positive experience. In the life of each of us there were real friends, allies, like-minded people.
Remembering the good, you will see the relativity of any assessment: not everyone you meet is necessarily an envious or a villain, and you yourself are not doomed to the role of a victim.
3. Be realistic. Not all men think only about sex, not all women need only money, not all bosses are soulless exploiters ... To learn to trust people, free yourself from prejudice and give another chance to prove oneself in the best possible way. Perhaps a person who is not able to keep other people's secrets will turn out to be a good employee or an excellent adviser.
4. Do not start with the charges. It happens that a person deceives your trust. But does he always realize what harm his act has done to you? Instead of immediately accusing him of bad intentions, it is better to speak with him frankly. Did he specially reveal a secret? Does he realize that his constant tardiness causes you inconvenience? Remember that trust is born in dialogue.
My trouble is that I double-check everything ten times, I can not rely on anyone. I trust no one. This pathological incredulity spoils the life of both myself and my loved ones. I turned to a psychotherapist, and he helped me figure out the origins of the problem.
When I was 10 years old, they brought me to the ambulance to the hospital. I was very scared, and the young doctor kept saying: “Don’t be afraid, baby, everything will be fine!” The operation was unsuccessful, I miraculously survived, and the surgeon’s words were remembered as a cruel deception.
Now I am trying to realize that it was an isolated case, and not at all a consequence of some immutable law of being. I am undergoing body-oriented therapy. Making simple gestures, for example, holding out a hand to another person, meeting and following with a movement of the head, I again learn to open up to people, to trust them. Yuri Gorbachevsky. "
How to cope with mistrust, says psychologist Elena Poryvaeva:
In one aphorism, trust is compared with paper, which, having once remembered, is difficult to return to its original smooth appearance. Whatever you do, this paper will never be even.
But if you set a goal to regain the trust that has been lost, then you can take several steps and improve your situation. I will say right away: this is work exclusively on oneself, since it will not be possible to change the behavior of another person. It can only be influenced over time.
To cope with mistrust, first understand yourself. What role does your feeling called “distrust” play? As a rule, this is internal fear. The fear that protects you both from negative situations and from the person with whom some kind of mental pain is associated.
Then ask yourself: do you control your feelings or do feelings control you? After all, you yourself are responsible for what you experience. Therefore, it will be sufficient to realize your feelings, those parts of the personality to which these feelings belong and the functions performed by them.
After that, it will become much easier for you to control at what point you can release feelings in the first roles, and at what point you yourself will manage the situation and, so to speak, conduct feelings.
You yourself will determine when you can relax with a person, and when not. Distrust will remain part of you, but he will no longer have the opportunity to overwhelm you, because it will be under your control.
Try to understand others
Look at distrust as the result of your deceived expectations. How legitimate and natural were they? Yes, in personal relationships, we, of course, expect fidelity. But think, perhaps this is only your understanding of love, family, only your ideal relationship.
I want you to understand the need not only to analyze the situation and your feelings, but also that person in relation to whom there was mistrust. It is necessary to study him, to soberly assess the qualities of his personality, and not to lay unjustified hopes.
In the event that you still decide to stay with the person, having discussed everything with him, but can’t overcome the distrust in your relationship with him, you need to consciously turn your attention to your past positive experience.
If you want to cope with mistrust, try to recall all the best qualities of a person, the qualities that attracted you, and highlight other strengths and rely on them. You should resort to them when you again will be overcome by doubts.
There is only one answer to the question “How to cope with mistrust?” - one must be able to deal with one’s feelings, learn how to manage them, take responsibility for oneself, and not blame others, learn to accept others as they are, be able to forgive and live in the present .