How to respond to people who are trying to hook. How to react when someone humiliates

You are often offended, but you don’t know what to answer to the offender? Advice is given by a psychologist.

Hmm ... there are plenty of individuals who love to insult everyone around, even strangers to them.

We encounter such boors at work, in public transport, in markets and in shops, on the Internet, they even broadcast to us from the TV screen.

A normal person is powerless against the boor, because upbringing and adequacy does not allow him to repay him with the same coin.

So what to do: is it really necessary to silently swallow unfair attacks?

Or do recipes exist, how to respond to an insultwithout spending your own nerve cells and not dropping to the level of an idiot who insults you?

Respond to an insult: or score and forget?

Boors specially behave so provocatively.

You probably noticed that no one provokes rudeness on their part, or that the reason is so insignificant that a normal person would not pay attention to him. However, the boors simply can not pass by the opportunity to pour mud on someone.

Your task is to know how to respond to an insultso that he instantly lost the desire to conduct this insulting dialogue further.

The most frequent advice that can be found in articles on similar topics: “Ignore!”.

Hmm ... we hear him from childhood ...

Remember, my mother said to your complaints about some kind of a bully: “Just do not pay attention to him.

He will soon get tired of teasing, and he will leave you alone. "

But such advice is ineffective, because, as practice shows, unpunished evil grows and multiplies.

Big boors confident of their permissiveness grow out of small bully.

In no case can you leave without punishment the insults that cashiers, sellers, waiters, administrators pour on you in their working hours.

The complaint to the authorities about the boor is an adequate reaction to such unprofessional behavior.

In which cases is it not worth responding to insults?

I am of the opinion that, because of my capabilities, I still need to put the boors in their place, since most of them feel too vulgar.

However, this can only be done if you know how to respond correctly to the insult.

The cries of “Himself a fool!” And the flow of obscenities are what the provocateur expected from you. He of his own - has pissed you off and is now feeding on your energy. If this is the only reaction that you are capable of in response to an insult, then it is better to ignore the boor and proudly leave.

You should also not contact the person insulting you if:

He is too aggressive, trying to provoke you into a fight and significantly exceeds you in size and physical strength.

In this case, it is better to ask for help or call the police if you know that such a person could harm someone.

If your acquaintance with the boor is short-lived and you know that you will never see him again.

If we are talking about political topics, then many of those to whom you are trying to prove your case, money.

They do not care whom to offend.

Their goal is to wait for an answer from you for which they will be paid.

Well, I think it’s not worth reminding that the worldwide network is a haven for many mentally unhealthy people.

So is it worth it to spend your time and nerves on them?

Elegant ways to respond to insult

With ignoring, we figured it out.

Now let's look at fairly effective methods of responding to rudeness.

If you will know how to respond to an insult right, you will always be fully equipped.

Consent.

Yes, you heard right.

If insults of your appearance or mental abilities are sent to you, half-agree with this, and then thank the boor in a joking form for spending time looking for yours, as it were.

This method is especially effective in the presence of spectators.

They will start laughing at the idiot who is insulting you and will make him retire.

Once in the subway, I witnessed a masterly possession of such weapons.

Oil painting "Beautiful girl and something (like a male)."

He: "You stupid blonde!" She: “Yes, I'm really blonde. You are very observant - it pleases. "

The whole car was neighing so that the boor red from shame jumped out at the nearest stop.

This answer requires a sense of humor and the ability to respond quickly in extreme situations.

In extreme cases, stock up on some killer phrases to apply them according to the situation.

For example: “I am not at all surprised at what you are saying. You can surprise me only if you say something clever ”or“ I never cease to be surprised at the sense of humor of God who creates such interesting instances ”, etc.

Intelligence.

Most offenders are individuals with one crinkle, which Panama formed in their childhood, therefore, from clever words they fall into a stupor.

Try to answer the insult with the phrase: “I don’t know, dear, what you eat, but your menu is clearly not very balanced and contains harmful carcinogens that destroy your brain cells.”

Or this: “The intellectual abilities of primates have not yet been fully studied. Do not deign to leave your contacts, I will pass them to a friend of the researcher. Would you like to participate in a science project? ”

Buy an elephant.

Remember the children's joke when you were infuriated by the endless repetition of the phrase: "Buy an elephant."

Answer every rude phrase with the same question.

Believe me, at the end of such an unusual dialogue, howl from rabies will be a boor, not you.

The effect of surprise.

Try to surprise the offending.

For example, laugh out loud as if he uttered a funniest joke, not an insult.

A good option is to sneeze, and then say something like: "I'm sorry, I'm just allergic ... to being rude."

It would be a surprise to be a bully if you smile sweetly and say the phrase: “You are very kind. I’m sure that your parents are proud of your upbringing. ”

In general, improvise.

And here are a few words about the insults on the Internet.

Advice is given by psychologist Alena Prikhidko.

Click Play 🙂

And of course, replying to an insultYou must remain calm. This boor should be nervous and angry, and you do not need to spend your nerve cells on lower life forms.

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I offer 5 proven options for how to respond to insults in various situations. Read the article and choose yours!

I don’t know about you, but I do not organically tolerate people who send insults and rudeness left and right.

I don’t know exactly what motivates them to act this way, their genetic predisposition, lack of education, or simply lack of brains.

Since such comrades are full of, especially in places of large crowds (public transport, markets), the banal advice "Do not pay attention" is ineffective.

Today I will tell you what to do with the boors, whom they generously share with others, and how in other countries they treat unfair offenses.

Where do these insults come from?

In fact, for you to understand, insulting others is the position of weak people.

It is much easier for them to say something disgusting than to try to reasonably convey their point of view.

This is especially evident in the example of the Internet community.

Here, for example, someone wrote an article.

Uncle Vasya did not like her.

Instead of citing evidence of authorship, he writes in the commentary on the text disgusting, generously seasoned with obscenities.

How to respond to insult should the author himself?

Offended, write something in response, not pay attention?

In a particular case, it is better to opt for the latter option, because who you are, Uncle Vasya, you don’t know and don’t want to know, so why waste your time and emotions on him?

Most often they resort to insults:

Weak people who are afraid of everything in the world and therefore chose the only weapon they understand.
whose purpose is to evoke emotion and nourish you.
Boors who it is not clear who brought up and who generally should not live among people.
Aggressors who cannot imagine their lives without scandals, fights and comforting themselves with the thought that their insult will provoke you to this.
Drunkards and drug addicts because they don’t control themselves.
Idiots whose brain is not able to give birth to a single clever thought, except for mates.

How do civilized people respond to insults?

In fact, in the Constitution of many countries, including ours, there is a separate article that states that you can not insult people. This is considered an administrative violation and must be punished by a fine.

However, in fact, if you go to the policeman and say that that bad drunk uncle dumped a bucket of insults and threats on your head, then in the best case the law enforcement officer will send his uncle to oversleep, at worst he will send you to hell.

But not all states adhere to such a policy.

Once my acquaintance with her husband was resting in the United Arab Emirates.

They have any insult, even ugly gestures are strictly prohibited.

“If you are being insulted, never answer them back. After all, if a dog barks at you, you don’t get on all fours and don’t bark at her. ”
Mikhail Zadornov

They once went on a tour, and there was an extremely restless tourist with them on the bus (I won’t say which country 🙂).

He got everyone else along the road, but an unpleasant incident happened during a sightseeing tour.

The troubled tourist was either pushed by travelers from Japan, or he simply decided to get to the bottom of them, but insults rained down on their head.

The Japanese did not start to get in, but simply complained to the policeman that he was nearby.

The culprit of the conflict was taken to the station and fined, which significantly emptied his pockets.

The practice of “let law enforcement officers deal with the boors” is popular in many countries, but, unfortunately, we have not yet joined them, therefore we must learn respond to insults correctly.

How is it better to respond to insults?

The most common insult responses:

Ignoring
The dialogue that will drive the interlocutor into a dead end.
The tears that might pit him.
Humor.
Physical impact.

Let's see which of the options is appropriate in different situations.

The reaction to rudeness depends largely on the person who is experiencing your patience.

If we are talking about an unwashed man with a beer belly, who spills his life dissatisfaction on all passengers of the minibus, the best thing to do is not to pay attention to him.

You see him for the first time, and he’s definitely not worth it because of a worthless hog.

An ignore is worth responding to insults from energy vampires - they should not be fed by your emotions.

If the boor is your acquaintance who constantly practices such dialogue, then you can drive him into a corner with the help of clarifying questions and phrases: “Why do you think so?”, “Argument your opinion”, “Prove to me that you are right” , “Why did you get this?”, “What else doesn’t suit you in me?”, Etc.

It is possible that your dialogue will end with reconciliation and a person's recognition of his mistakes.

Or - he will forever disappear from your life, which is also very good.

My friend knows for sure how to respond to insults passportists, female workers and other useless employees in government offices.

She starts to cry.

It turns out this is very natural for her, the evil aunts begin to see a weak defenseless girl in front of them and are in a hurry to help her with solving the problem.

Humor is generally a powerful weapon against all life's hardships, and even against boors - it is truly deadly.

Those who like to insult often hide behind a brutal mask, afraid to seem ridiculous or.

With the help of jokes, your task is to ridicule the boor so that he shamefully retreats from the battlefield and in the future is afraid to pester you.

Tumaki for the boor is, of course, an extreme option, but when nothing else works, then it is quite possible to resort to their help.

Once with me, a sports man pushed out of a trolleybus offending everyone and everyone around the tipsy type.

Neither persuasion, nor request, nor screaming could silence him until this man intervened.

All passengers of the trolley bus applauded his actions.

And a few more examples of how to

respond to the banal insult "You are a fool!"

We look, remember 😉

If none of the options offered suits you, try to find your own.

But the only thing I know for sure: respond to insultsspending your nerve cells is by no means possible.

In this way you do not prove anything to anyone, just strike your health and delight the boor - he achieved what he wanted.

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If you learn how to deal with bullying and insults, it will be easier for you to behave in such unpleasant social situations. To protect yourself from humiliation and insults, evaluate the situation, respond appropriately and seek help if necessary.

Steps

Rate the situation

Understand that this is not about you. People who tease and insult others are not self-confident. Their bullying is often caused by fear, narcissism and a thirst for control of the situation. Mocking others, they feel stronger. The realization that the reason lies in the offender, and not in you, will help you become more confident in this situation.

Understand what drives your abuser. If you make an effort to understand why a particular person is insulting or teasing you, you will receive a key to solving the problem. Sometimes people scoff at others in order to assert themselves, and sometimes they do it because they do not understand you or the situation as well as they could. Or they are just jealous of what you have done or achieved.

Develop a plan to avoid the person or such a situation, if possible. If you avoid the abuser, this can minimize the amount of abuse or bullying you are subjected to. And although this is not always possible, think of ways to reduce the amount of time you have to spend with a badass, or even avoid contact with it.

If you get harassed when you get home from school, work out a safe route with your parents to help you avoid bullying or abuse.
If you are being teased or insulted on the Internet, consider removing the offender from your social networks or reducing the amount of time spent in certain applications.

Determine if bullying is against the law. Sometimes bullying or insult is a direct violation of one of the codes or the Constitution of the Russian Federation. For example, if at work you experience sexual harassment by a colleague (not necessarily physical, but also verbal), this is a violation of article 133 of the Criminal Code, and you must immediately report it.
- If you are in school, you have the right to study in a safe environment without distractions. If someone is making fun of you to the point where you don’t feel safe, or it prevents you from studying (for example, discouraging you from going to school), you should discuss this with your parents or teacher.
Respond to bullying and abuse
1. Get ready for the situation. If you are forced to spend time with someone who constantly insults or teases you, develop a plan to take control of the situation. For example, it will be useful to play roles and think through options for a response.
  - Practice acting with a friend or family member. Let a friend (or girlfriend) say to you: "Alina, your hairstyle is terrible." And you can answer like this: “Thank you for your opinion, but I like it, and this is the most important thing.”
  - If the boss insults you by belittling your merit, come up with a plan. Try to say: “Anton Petrovich, your comments are unprofessional, offensive and affect the productivity of my work. If this does not stop, I will be forced to inform the higher authorities. ”
2. Keep calm. When you are teased or insulted, it’s important to remain calm, even if you want to get angry or cry. People who mock others and humiliate them often await a response. Keep calm and don't lose your head.
  - If someone offends you, try taking a few deep breaths before replying.
3. Be determined. Confidently and unequivocally make it clear to the offender how his insults affect you. In a firm, but at the same time calm tone, explain why you do not like these bullying.
  - Try telling a classmate who teases you about your shoes: “It makes me angry that you are kidding me in front of the whole class. Stop doing it. ”
  - If your colleagues bombard you with sexist remarks, try saying: “Your bullying and abuse verges on sexual harassment. If this happens again, I will immediately report this to our leader. ”
4. Ignore the insults. Sometimes the best response to an insult is ignoring. You can pretend that you did not hear anything, or change the subject of the conversation to the exact opposite. If instead of responding to the insults and bullying of the offender, you do not pay attention to them, you will avoid adding oil to the fire.
  - If you are being abused or teased on the Internet, do not respond.
  - If a family member insults you, try to ignore his bullying and leave the room.
5. React with humor. Using humor as a reaction to insults or bullying is very effective. Humor can relieve tension, disarm the offender and even turn his words into dust. Try to laugh it off when someone insults or teases you.
  - If a colleague speaks rudely about the poster that you brought to the conference, try saying: “You're right. This is a terrible poster. I shouldn’t let my five-year-old son do it for me. ”
  - Another option might be a mock surprise or an ironic remark. For example, you can say: “My God! You're right! Thank you for helping me see the light! ”
6. Report abuse or abuse against your gender, race, nationality, religion, or disability. It is important to immediately report these types of aggression, as this is often a violation of the law. If you are being insulted or bullied in this way, go straight to the boss.
  
  Talk to your abuser. For example, if you are constantly offended by a parent or family member, it may be time to sit down and talk about abuse. Directly explain how you feel about bullying and how such harassment affects your life.
  - If Mom constantly criticizes your appearance, try saying: “Mom, it hurts me when you comment on my clothes, hairstyle or makeup. It hurts my feelings. From now on, please stop making such comments. ”
  - Even if the banter is not malicious, you can still tell the person that you don’t like it. For example: “I like to spend time with you, and we can have fun teasing each other. But we won’t discuss any more topics (clothes, husband, children, etc.) - it hurts my feelings.”
Learn to value yourself
1. Work on your self-esteem. Because of low self-esteem, it can be harder for you to deal with banter, whether malicious or not. It takes time to increase self-esteem, but you can do it with simple actions, for example:
  - Give yourself compliments. Try to look in the mirror every morning and say one nice thing about your appearance, for example: “My eyes look especially bright and beautiful today.”
  - Make a list of your strengths, achievements, and things that delight you in yourself. Try to list at least five things in each column. Keep a list and re-read it daily.
2. Take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself is an important and good strategy that helps you deal with insults or humiliations. Try taking a bath for a long time, taking calm walks or doing something pleasant for yourself, such as a pedicure. These ways of taking care of yourself will help strengthen your self-esteem and improve your opinion of yourself.
  
  Develop your stamina. If you are a persistent person, it will be easier for you to recover from insults, humiliations, and other life difficulties. Try to work on this quality to increase your ability to bounce back after bullying and attacks. Here are some things you can do to develop your stamina:

Most people who encounter insults in their turn feel confused in the first seconds, not knowing how to react to such aggressive attacks. Nevertheless, if you happen to get into a similar situation again, try to immediately orient yourself and remember some recommendations.

How to behave when you are offended

Do not respond to negativity and insults

Sometimes in such situations, it is precisely the absence of any reaction that may turn out to be the best way out of the situation. It is possible that then you will begin to reproach yourself for this silence and timidity, but most often afterwards people are proud of being able to restrain themselves and not lower themselves to the level of tactless and aggressive person trying to “hook” them out. This is especially true when it comes to about an energy vampire - such a person only expects a response from you, it only “feeds” him. Communication with such a person always ends the same way - you feel overwhelmed, and the mood of your opponent clearly rises.

Do aggression in conflict

This is not the best option, and it is applicable only in exceptional cases. So, when is aggression appropriate in response:

If the opponent uses any physical force in relation to your child or animal. If the opponent has long lost control of himself and has been trying to get you out of himself for a long time and prick you more. If the opponent goes beyond what is permitted and tries to offend the weaker and unprotected person. An example is a drunken boor rude to a stranger on a bus.

Turn the situation in a positive direction (laugh it off)

Perhaps you started a quarrel with a truly close person, and you do not want to continue this ugly scene, realizing that such a development of events will only harm your relationship. In this case, it makes sense to pull yourself together and translate the conflict into a completely different direction with the help of a joke. If a person is really close, then you know what topic can provoke a smile on his face. Of course, this is not so easy to do when you yourself are offended, and you want to give a worthy rebuff to the interlocutor. However, it is important to understand that in this way you act most wisely - you do not allow yourself to be completely disappointed in a loved one, but for him - in you. When the passions subside, offer to return to the topic that has embroiled you in order to calmly resolve the dilemma that has arisen.

Try to shame the offender so that he shuts up

Sometimes, a person can be forgotten and behave completely tactlessly. If you know that usually this behavior is not characteristic of him, then, of course, it makes sense to shame him. Most likely, the opponent will immediately realize that he is crossing the verge of decency. Also, this method is effective in communicating with children. Almost all of them are experiencing tipping points at different stages of their development, and aggression in response to their offensive tone can only do harm. In such cases, it would really be better to arouse a feeling of shame for your words.

With clever words and logical arguments, prove your case

Such answer choices can help you enlighten the offender, and redirect his energy from the stream of insults to a constructive dialogue. If a person is lying, then just ask him: “Why are you acting like that?” In response, you will probably hear more intelligible information than before. If necessary, this question can be repeated several times. Also, if you notice that the interlocutor is clearly “entering”, and he is already confused in his thoughts, ask him to argue his words.

Use witty, daring and funny phrases when you are rude

The saddest thing is that most boors for some reason are little susceptible to humor, and your witty and ridiculous answers, most likely seem like such a person to be absurd. Nevertheless, you can try to laugh it off, especially if your skirmish has formed spectators. So, in response to the insult, you can answer:

“You are not too original, the next time it might turn out better.” “You are very attentive, valuable quality.” “A weak attempt, maybe rudeness is still not yours?” “I hope you are just trying to look worse what you really are. ”

To shut up and humiliate an enemy is worth learning sarcasm

It is quite difficult to neutralize a particularly aggressive interlocutor with pre-prepared phrases, therefore, in such cases, the ability to respond with sarcasm is very appreciated. For example, if an opponent asks, “What did you say ?!”, you can parry: “Yes, you also have hearing problems ...”. Or if you are asked: “The smartest, or what?”, You can answer: “You are surprisingly observant!”.

How to respond to offensive words, if in a good way does not reach

When can you use force

The use of force, of course, is appropriate only in rather rare cases, even exceptional ones. First of all, it is necessary when you are threatened with physical harm. Of course, if the opponent not only threatens, but begins to bring his threats into action, then in such a situation you can’t be offended. You can also use force when you see that physical suffering is inflicted on a weaker creature. So you can stand up for an animal, a child, an elderly person or a woman. Of course, in this situation it will be unreasonable to get into trouble, if you see that the snapper is clearly superior to you in physical parameters. Nevertheless, it will be right to ask someone else for help or to scare the boor by the police.

Should I use harsh language and phrases

In very rare cases, this is really appropriate. As a rule, a cultured person who considers himself a worthy member of society prefers to ignore the mat, not wanting to fall to the level of his opponent. Once, Mikhail Zadornov recommended that his listeners not engage in dialogue with a person who is insulting, arguing that it is as stupid as barking in response to a dog barking.

Is it possible to culturally send a person without a mat to shut up

To a part, this is possible, although not without difficulty. For example, if a person begins to be forgotten, and you understand that he is clearly not getting into his own business, you may notice: “Does it seem to me or does this really concern you?” In addition, the ardor of the interlocutor will cool, and such phrases:

“Your opinion is very valuable, but not in this situation”; “If I need your advice, I will find you”; “How did you get the idea that your opinion is interesting?”

How to insult in response, if you just got

For rudeness can be derogatoryly called offensive words

Of course, offensive and degrading insults should be passed only in very rare cases - when the opponent does not know the measure in his statements, and pours out an uncontrolled stream of "dirty" words. If you have enough willpower, then in such cases, it’s best to ignore the person who is aggressive and pretend that his words are an empty phrase for you. When the person you speak or shout whatever he thinks, you can tiredly summarize: “You are very tiring , is that why you have problems in your personal life? ” Note that such a phrase sounds very pungent and insulting, so you should use it in the case of a notorious villain. Even if he is married, such words will hurt him, because such a brawler, most likely, really isn’t doing well on a personal front. For an overweight boorish man you can say: “It would be better if you signed up for the gym!” We emphasize that it is better to avoid causticity regarding appearance - such comments usually humiliate not only your foe, but also you. However, if you know that some aspect of appearance is a sore subject for the interlocutor, and he already completely “rode” in your appearance, then with such phrases you can “give change”.

Verbalize and put in place

Many people are seriously affected by various “prophecies” and curses. ” If your foe is behaving ugly, insulting you, having long gone over all the boundaries of what is permissible, then calmly say: “From this day you will know what misfortunes lie on you for.” Many people are suspicious, especially if they are emotionally unstable. Most likely, your phrase will haunt your interlocutor for a long time, and he will really begin to regret his own intemperance.

Answers for all occasions

Some examples of cool phrases that will bring to tears (examples)

If you set out to bring to tears the person who offended you, then there are phrases that contribute to such a development of events. So, we give examples of some of them:

I don’t know what you’re trying to prove, your primitive mind doesn’t allow you to express more clearly? Your insults are so stupid that I don’t even feel offended. Probably, many are used to experiencing only a feeling of pity for you; I imagine how ashamed your relatives are for you; So you are not only outwardly “not very”.Of course, before trying to insult a person to tears, it makes sense to think about whether this should be done at all. It is possible that over time, you yourself will regret that you took such a step. As a rule, conscientious people are subsequently ashamed of such behavior and restraint.

Funny insults for humiliation (examples)

Do you always have such a poor fantasy or today is a bad day? Probably your parents just dreamed that you once ran away from home. Don’t stop talking, maybe you’ll get clever phrases like that. It’s difficult for you to love nature, considering how it is acted with you. If you tried to look even dumber, I'm afraid this attempt would have failed.

Afterword

This can be very difficult, but remember that later on you will have a reason to rejoice at your prudence and foresight. First of all, it is important to realize that you do not need to be serious about what your opponent is saying. Most often, insulting someone, a person rarely resorts to logic and sound facts, because he has the only goal - to “hurt” as painfully as possible! It is also important to clearly distribute - a person is dissatisfied exclusively with you, or he simply has a joyless period and you just "fell into the arm." If we are talking about the second option, then it is better to avoid the manifestation of any emotions. Pity the abuser mentally and ignore this situation. Ignoring is a very useful skill in many unpleasant situations. It is important to understand that insults, as a rule, are resorted to by a weak-minded person who has serious problems in education. Especially, this understanding is appropriate when it comes to a person whom you are unlikely to see. Think carefully - is it worth it to burn your energy to it or is it better to ignore this pathetic boor? Of course, some people believe that such behavior is only to their advantage, and begin to become even more angry in their insults, then carefully look at the interlocutor, and say: “By what right do you allow yourself such behavior towards strangers, you yourself understand how unworthy do you look? ” Such a question may well "sober up" the opponent. Of course, if a person close to you unleashes a conflict, ignoring is not always the right response. It is unlikely that the other person just wanted to insult you from scratch. Most likely, this person is seriously worried about something, and it will be appropriate to talk about it directly. Just say, “Let's stop these nasty insults and try to solve the problem.” Most likely, after that you will really be able to close the conflict, and your interlocutor will be grateful to you for prudence.

Motivated by reason, not emotions, you will always be a winner

If you started to wonder - how offensive it is to answer a person with obscene words or how to bring someone to tears with your insults, then you are clearly not on the right track. Be reasonable, do not give in to someone else's emotional impact. If you yourself go down to such unworthy behavior, this can bring you a feeling of satisfaction for only a few seconds - then the situation will not be so rosy. Most likely, resorting to rudeness towards another person (especially if he is close) then you will Feeling empty and depressed. As a rule, various verbal skirmishes bring satisfaction only to energy vampires - it is difficult to please other people in a conflict situation. Remember that people who have learned to control themselves, as a rule, always remain in a winning position. At the same time, those people who easily start up “from a half-turn”, thereby attracting additional negative events and emotions. Do not give in to emotions is very useful in many cases, and one of them is a quarrel with a higher management at work or just with the person you depend on. Recognize that the person is arriving in frustrated feelings, and your retaliatory responses can aggravate the situation even further. To avoid such a development of the situation, it makes sense to mentally distract from the conversation. That is, outwardly you seem to be listening to everything that your opponent is expressing to you, but in fact your thoughts wander somewhere far away. You can recall pleasant events in life, think about the upcoming vacation, decide which dish will be appropriate to prepare for dinner.

Think ahead of the consequences of your actions

If you understand that partly you yourself provoked a stream of insults, although you did not deserve such unflattering words, you should partially admit your guilt. For example: “You, of course, are right in your indignation, but words can also be gentler.” Entering a verbal skirmish with someone, remember that in the future this can turn into some problems for you. It’s one thing if we are talking about a person who is unlikely to meet you on a life journey, and it’s a completely different thing when the skirmish happened to a close person, friend, neighbor. Such a conflict can cause a protracted war. Even if you make peace almost immediately, voiced offensive words can remain in your memory for a long time, and sooner or later they will still lead to a cooling in the relationship. Therefore, in such cases, if you feel even the slightest ability to restrain yourself, be sure to try to use it.

Book fragment Kovpak D.V. Not those attacked! or How to deal with rudeness? - M .: Peter, 2012

How much can you put up with rudeness? In transport, at work, away, at home, online, on the street - anywhere! How much can you play the role of a victim? Patiently enduring any inconvenience, any manifestation of rudeness. A famous psychotherapist and courageous man, Dmitry Kovpak decided that enough was enough for him! Read his fascinating stories and professional tips to combat rudeness and cynicism. Dr. Kovpak is ready to change the world without bending under it! And you?

Basic strategies for overcoming rudeness

Effective Counteraction

Obviously, there are three approaches in the relationship between people. The first one is to reckon only with oneself and suppress others ... The second one is always and inferior to others in everything ... The third approach is to keep in mind your own interests, without neglecting the interests of others.

Only the dead cannot be touched by the living.Each of us was in a situation where he was hurt or psychologically injured. Naturally, there is a desire to punish or teach a lesson to the offender, or to minimize damage to the reputation and ratings of others.

What exactly do? Tolerate or answer? What will it all turn into? And a host of other questions are constantly spinning in my head. This did not happen for the first time, and not only with you. How did people who already faced a similar problem answer this before?

When Confucius was asked the question: "Is it right to respond with good to evil?" To which he replied: "Good must be answered for good, but evil must be answered with justice."

Undoubtedly, if you regularly allow yourself to be offended, this can become a habit with your offenders. The desire to make a remark, or even to fall on you with a rude comes earlier than there is a reason for this.

If you help unbalanced people by regularly providing them with a platform to splash out their annoyance, this tactic will start to work automatically. They will no longer have to wonder who is to blame.

So, confusing patience and prudence with fear and laziness, you can turn into a local scapegoat.

Man in reality is not so peaceful as he declares it and even as he thinks of himself. Therefore, to expect from your offenders that they will see their own light, admit mistakes and perpetrate injustice, may be too time-consuming and expensive strategy. Help them realize that they didn’t run into that.

But answer not to the content of the adversary’s speech, but to the fact of his intervention not in your business.

Are there any winners in the battle with the rude, the question is controversial and even rhetorical. However, if you have already decided on martial arts, then you will not be disturbed by some skills, technologies and useful information.

Entering into a verbal duel requires a number of qualities and skills:

efficiency of search and reproduction of information;
wit, irony;
resourcefulness, cunning, enterprise;
ability to use logic and consistent argumentation;
mastery of rhetoric;
stress resistance and tolerance (tolerance);
noise immunity.

Very often people, defending their interests, behave rudely and unceremoniously, confusing the concepts of aggressive, passive, insecure and confident behavior. The difference in these ways of behavior is that, acting confidently, a person does not insult or suppress others, respecting the rights of people to the same extent as their own.

People who are able to properly defend themselves are much less susceptible to stressful situations in difficult life situations and more often experience feelings of self-satisfaction and self-esteem.

People acting in an aggressive manner, in fact, experience feelings of guilt, inferiority or self-doubt, and with their aggressive behavior try to mask these underlying experiences.

The key to confident behavior is to consolidate a new model of attitude and behavior in regular practice.

Remember: what you say to a rude person is much less important than how you say it.

To successfully put in the place of boors and aggressors in any situation, you must first clearly understand the right to inviolability of one’s personality and personal life.

The manifestation of rudeness is, first of all, evidence of a person’s lack of worthy arguments.

“Jupiter, you are angry, that means you are wrong,” Prometheus told the angry Jupiter, who was ready to throw lightning at him without finding another answer.

The most ineffective option for responding to a boor is to emotionally start and scream in response all sorts of nonsense. Thus, you become the twin brother of this ill-bred type and slide down to its level. And most importantly, your emotions will show that his arrows have reached the goal and bother you.

But sometimes it helps to relieve stress. The price of such a drop varies depending on the situation and the environment present at that moment, as well as the delayed consequences. Sometimes it is prohibitive.

Much better is the reception of a splash of negative emotions in the water. Especially when the situation is already in the past, but you still want to “wave your fists”.

Open the faucet and simply shout everything that has boiled into a stream of water. At the same time, wash yourself with cool water and go get positive emotions. The conflict is settled. You are smarter!

Imagine this situation: you were very angry about the boss, who harshly and rudely reproached you for a situation to which you really had nothing to do. After his departure, you punch the table, break two pencils, a pen and turn a whole stack of papers into a shapeless mass. Will these actions reduce your anger? And will they save you from the tendency to be angry in the future with a leader in such situations?

According to the well-known theory of catharsis (purification), the answer in both cases will be positive. When an angry person releases steam through energetic actions that do no harm to anyone, the following happens: firstly, the level of tension or excitement decreases, and secondly, the tendency to resort to open aggression against provocative (or other) people decreases.

These assumptions date back to the works of Aristotle, who believed that the contemplation of a production that forces viewers to empathize with what is happening can indirectly contribute to the “purification” of feelings. Despite the fact that Aristotle himself did not specifically propose this method for defusing aggression, a logical continuation of his theory was proposed by many others, in particular Z. Freud, who believed that the intensity of aggressive behavior can be weakened either by expressing emotions related to aggression, or by observing the aggressive actions of others.

Recognizing the reality of such a "purification", Freud was subsequently very pessimistic about its effectiveness in preventing open aggression. It seems that he believed that his influence was ineffective and short-lived. Indeed, watching films or television programs with scenes of violence does not lead to a decrease in the level of aggression - on the contrary, such an experience is more likely to increase the intensity of aggressive manifestations in the future.

The level of aggression does not decrease if a person vents his anger on inanimate objects.

Remember how we like to retell myths about the cellars of Japanese corporations, where allegedly employees hammer stuffed their bosses and then calm and happy go to the workplace. If you give people the opportunity to strangle inflatable toys, throw darts at the images of hated enemies or smash into smithereens any objects, it is not necessary that the strength of their desire to commit aggressive acts towards persons annoying them decreases.

The level of aggression does not decrease even after a series of verbal attacks - on the contrary, the data obtained indicate that such actions actually increase the aggression of the opponent.

The English writer John Ruskin said: "A meek answer removes malice."

This is also a certain technique. Only it requires sufficient hardening and endurance. To have enough patience for evil insults to respond politely and not lose his temper not only externally, but also internally. To do this, you need to develop considerable self-discipline in yourself.

In an extreme case, you can say a calmly neutral descriptive phrase, for example: “As you rudely spoke out now. Communication in this form / tone is not suitable for me. ” Sometimes this stops the offender or knocks him down for a while. In any case, you will get a pause and be able to retreat proudly with your head up from the scene of a verbal battle.

So you eliminate the reason for the subsequent return to the situation in the memories that happens when you swallow an unrequited insult, with the scrolling of "victorious scenarios" in fantasy - a virtual "waving fists" after a verbal battle.

The main thing is to maintain internal self-confidence.

Gandhi’s phrase said to himself would be appropriate: “They are not able to take away our self-esteem if we ourselves do not give it to them.” And the conclusions made on the basis of everyday experience that we often feel better (that is, less excited or tense) by responding to people who are pissing us off really have reason, as very serious researchers of aggression claim.

If you have the time, let the interlocutor, without obvious aggression, finish to the end, listen to him carefully, correctly and analytically.

Listen carefully - it means to perceive the words that are pronounced, not too distracted by the passing thoughts. It’s right to give feedback signals that show that you understand the person you are talking to (for example, with a nod). Analytically, you can grasp the essence of the statement while perceiving the information encrypted between the words. Being able to listen is a real art.

But there are situations when the interlocutor sharply negatively speaks about you or lies. In such a delicate situation, this rule should be discarded. Interrupt the conversation calmly at the moment when you notice that a lie has been said: just politely and correctly correct the person you are talking to. But please be brief.

For example, during negotiations at a round table or a speech on the podium, you need to respond immediately - if not in words, then with a denying shake of your head or gestures.

You can respond to a negative statement later if this happened during the dialogue, but if a third party or audience is present, they will wait for your reaction. And the lack of reaction means agreement!

Do not be afraid to break the rules and stereotypes if necessary. A smart person chooses tactics depending on the situation.

The question technique is the queen of dialectics. “Whoever asks, he rules!” - this is how one of the leading rules of the art of conducting conversation is formulated in the form of a slogan.

Questions are often tools of pressure in order to demand information, deepen the topic of conversation, motivate interlocutors or translate the conversation from a material or technical plane into an emotional one. They also serve to demand an explanation, to insist on justice, to encourage the participants in the conversation or to inspire them with something, to demand that facts be brought up, or to concretize the statements of the interlocutor.

Therefore, remember the tactics of asking questions. With them you can stop the aggressor and the boor. Do not be afraid to answer a question with a question. This is also a powerful tool.

The client asks:

And why do all realtors answer the question with a question? Realtor Answer:
What do you think?

If someone tells you what to do, makes incorrect comments, tries to test your knowledge in any field, or gives you ratings that you did not ask for, you can repulse one of the following methods described by V. Petrova.

The initial, most gentle and polite method of self-defense can be described as a “psychological screening”. With our polite and specific comments, we can delimit our personal space, making it clear to the interlocutor that he is encroaching on someone else's territory. As a rule, after the first stage of self-defense, most aggressors retreat.

Most often, this method is used when unfamiliar or unfamiliar people express their thoughts, comments or give us advice that we did not ask for.

Here are examples of similar answers:

Thank you for your attention, you should not worry about this.
Please do not worry about our affairs, we can figure it out for ourselves.
Please do not pay so much attention ...
I beg you, do not bother ...
Sorry, but is this your business? Do not say: “It’s not your business” - it sounds much more rude, and also avoid the wording “This is my business”, because it draws attention to your person (puts the focus of others on your person), and not to the behavior of your opponent.
A possible option is to remind the attacker that only the court or the Lord God has the right to judge, and the aggressor has no right to give other people ratings. The strength of the influence of these words lies in the fact that each person understands implicitly that he himself is not ideal and does not have the moral right to indicate to others. Any critic and boor can be ridiculed for assigning them the role of a judge: “And who are the judges?”
“On what basis do you ask me these questions?”, “On what basis do you examine me?” - such answers are formalized, but it helps to maintain your confidence by associating with the strength of the bureaucracy and confuse the unbridled boors, who often use colloquial language. The aggressiveness of such an answer is significantly muffled, and it can be applied even in conversations with superiors in case of strong pressure.
“Let God reason this. Or do you want to assume its functions? ”No matter who you turn to, an atheist or a religious fanatic, it will work anyway. Forwarding "to God" is an effective technique, since everyone understands that, by giving an assessment to another person, he clearly exceeds his authority.

It is necessary to distinguish between rudeness and objective criticism.

All people tend to make mistakes, and so do you. If you were criticized in the case (for example, in your point of view you did not take into account some fact, did not notice something, made any mistake or oversight), thank the critic, for example, with the words: “Yes, indeed, I did not take into account / took into account this fact. Thank you, I will keep in mind ”,“ Thank you, I just did not notice this ”,“ I will think, thanks for the comment / information. ”

A number of techniques to repel snappers are based on the principle of shifting attention from your personality to the identity of the attacker.

An example is the phrase of one of the characters in the film “Kin-dza-dza”: “Did someone tell you that you are smart, or did you decide that yourself?”

Another option for switching attention to the personality of a rude person is a description of his actions.Any action of the interlocutor can be represented in the form of a picture, only written not in paints, but in your words.

A person who behaves inappropriately, as a rule, does not realize that the ugliness of his behavior and the motives that make him act in this way are perfectly visible to others, or simply displaces understanding of this. Oddly enough, it seems to the aggressor that people perceive only his words, but they don’t see him (they do not evaluate him). Therefore, in order to confuse the enemy, one should describe his behavior in the form of a visual picture, for example: “Do you hear what you are saying?” Or “Do you understand how you look now?”

People who like to speak for others, in particular, to broadcast from the position of “highest values”, “norms of morality”, can also be replaced.

You should ask the person who, for example, accused you of who was specifically harmed by your actions. If it’s not for him personally, then you are not obliged to talk to him, much less to report to him. Answer: "We will talk about this with the person whose interests were affected, but not with you."

If the aggressor claims that you are causing damage to many at once, say: “If you wish, you have the right to contact the appropriate authorities” (for example, to your superiors, the house administration, the police, the court, etc.). But in no case do not get involved in the debate you do not need. Do not make excuses, do not report to a person who is not an official, whose responsibilities really include a legal assessment of your actions.

Talking with people who insist that you are harming some third parties is not worth it, even if you have conclusive evidence of your own innocence. Save this evidence in case authorized persons intervene in the case, to which you really must report.

The very fact that you began to make excuses to an outsider indicates that you have lowered self-confidence, you can easily cause guilt and you "owe" too much to others.

No matter how arrogant and arrogant the boor may seem to you, remember that there are people in the world with whom he is afraid to talk like you do.

Also, a snapper would not dare to behave in this way if the situation were seen by people whom he fears or whose opinion he values. You can appeal to them: “Why don’t you repeat the same thing to such-and-such (say the name of the boss of this person, a relative whom he respects or fears, etc.)?”, “You don’t talk like that at work! "

Another option is a reference to virtual witnesses: “What do you think, what would a well-educated person do in your place?” (Can you name the specific person whom the aggressor respects), “What do you think, why other people don’t do this?”

If a person who is on duty is behaving inappropriately, you can comment on his behavior by wanting to hear his words by a person who is respected by representatives of this profession.

Once a teacher called a student a swear word. He was not taken aback and said: “May Makarenko and Sukhomlinsky hear you.”

The so-called method of Milton Erickson (a famous hypnotic psychotherapist), which used metaphors and stories that contained a hint or example of the behavior of the person to whom the story was intended, is very effective.

A metaphor is a type of indirect suggestion. This word consists of two Greek roots: meta - "through" and foret - "carry". That is, a metaphor is a means of transfer. What does the metaphor bear? It transfers meanings, bypassing conscious controls and barriers.

For example, here is a story that not everything is rude, which seems at first glance.

Once a wanderer stopped an old man walking in order to find out how far he was to the city.

Go, ”he answered monosyllabically. The puzzled wanderer continued on, reflecting on the rudeness of the locals. But he did not go even fifty steps, when he heard:

Wait a minute! The old man stood on the road and shouted to the traveler:

You still have an hour's journey to the city.

Why didn’t you answer right away? - exclaimed the wanderer.

I should have seen what step you are taking, ”the old man explained.

Or a story about hasty conclusions.

There was a knight in the desert. His path was long. On the way, he lost his horse, helmet and armor. Only the sword remained. The knight was hungry and thirsty. Suddenly in the distance he saw a lake. The knight gathered all the remaining forces and went to the water. But near the lake sat a three-headed dragon.

The knight drew his sword and, with all his strength, began to fight the monster. Day fought, the second fought. He chopped off two dragon heads. On the third day, the dragon fell down without strength. A weakened knight fell nearby, unable to stand on his feet and hold his sword.

And then from the last forces the dragon asked:

Knight, what did you want?
Have a drink of water.
Well, I would drink ...

And finally, remember the enchanting film "Formula of Love" and the doctor’s calm rebuke to the rogue Cagliostro using illustrative examples from life:

Yes, yes, agreed Cagliostro. - So many fables were invented about me that I get tired of refuting them. Meanwhile, my biography is simple and ordinary for people who have the title of master ... Let's start from childhood. I was born in Mesopotamia, near the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, two thousand one hundred twenty-five years ago ... - Cagliostro looked around the audience, as if giving them the opportunity to realize what they heard. - You are probably amazed at such an ancient date of my birth?

No, it’s not amazing, the doctor said calmly. - We had a clerk in the county, in the passport, where the year of birth, only indicated one digit. Ink, daredevil, you see, saved. Then the matter cleared up, in jail, and they did not begin to remake the patchport. The document is all the same.