Forget and forgive: how to cope with a husband’s betrayal. How to deal with resentment and negative emotions
Resentment hurts, prevents to enjoy life. How to overcome it?
Each of us faced problems and betrayal. How to ensure that past conflicts and quarrels do not interfere with enjoying life? How to forgive resentment?
How does resentment affect health? Resentment against men and women's health
The feeling of resentment brings with it anger, protest, and even guilt for not being able to fend for itself. These emotions destroy the energy field, the invisible protective shell around the body. Because of this, immunity weakens. Muscle spasm results from negative emotions. Because of it, the heart begins to hurt, blood circulation is disturbed.
How to learn to forgive people?
Answer the question: "How often do I take offense?"
If your answer is “often” - most likely, you are a very emotional person. Remember past grievances. Maybe there is a specific topic, the discussion of which causes you such emotions? If you are at a loss to answer, keep a diary. Write down your feelings and those situations in which you feel offended. If unpleasant topics are found, decide what to do. You can avoid them in conversations. But it’s better to prepare an accurate and decisive answer in advance. You beat offense to them. And when you remember the conversation, you will not feel humiliated.
How to forgive a person and get rid of insults?
What do you feel after being offended? Does a pleasant feeling of rightness arise in the soul? Strange joy? Confidence that the offender must earn forgiveness? Then you use your grudge as a way to manipulate a person. After all, most people, thinking that they offended someone, feel guilty. And I want to get rid of him as soon as possible. Therefore, affectionate people say affectionate words, apologize to him, give him presents. All this is really a good way to restore relations. But only if a person does not try to provoke a sense of resentment specifically.
This behavior has many drawbacks. Firstly, they soon cease to pay attention to the touchy person. Secondly, the person you are trying to manipulate may feel this. And then he will either avoid communicating with you, or internally isolate yourself from you. Thirdly, resentment can become your habit. And then you regularly have to experience all the unpleasant feelings associated with it.
IMPORTANT: Another reason for resentment - too high requirements for other people.
How to forgive an insult and let go?
If you constantly expect others to take special care of yourself, you will most likely be disappointed. There is an exit. Learn to love and respect yourself. Then you do not need the approval of others to feel good.
A kind, friendly person may be offended. In this case, the cause of resentment is a betrayal or causeless insult. What to do then? Some good techniques will come to the rescue.
- "Heart Chakra"
This chakra is responsible for love. Therefore, when you are offended, it negatively affects her.
IMPORTANT: To deal with resentment, love yourself.
After all, a person who respects and values \u200b\u200bhimself is invulnerable. The heart chakra will help you do this. To wake her power, wear clothes or jewelry with stones of green, pink or gold. Go to the cinema and theater, do creative work.
- "Water"
Take a deep breath and turn your head to the left. Continuing to inhale, return your head to its original position. Breathing deeply, look straight ahead. Imagine the events you want to forgive. Let the air you exhale as water washes away unpleasant events. Take a sharp exhale at the same time and turn your head to the right. Repeat the exercise three times for each situation.
How to forgive and let go of a loved one?
The meaning of this technique is as follows. The left side means the past, and the right future. You part with resentment and free your future for joy.
You can record this exercise on a recorder so that you do not memorize it.
- "Offender \u003d lamppost"
Do you often see someone who offends you? Take the following technique. Its essence is the maximum reduction of emotions in relation to the offender.
Imagine a number of ordinary things that do not cause you any feelings. For example: a lamppost, a garbage can, a sewer manhole, a bush, etc. Let among these objects be the image of the offender. Scroll this row several times in your head. Try to make the image of the offender evoke as many emotions as a lamppost or bush. Say three times at the end of the exercise: "I treat (Name of the offender) as an object. I don't care (Name of the offender). ”
- "Affirmations"
You will need an hour of free time. Turn off your mobile and computer. Relax. Light a candle with a pleasant aroma. And now, remember the strongest grievances and the names of those who offended you. For each situation, repeat the following statement:
I give myself a present - I am freed from the past and gladly accept the present.
My heart is open. Through forgiveness I comprehend love.
Today I listen to my feelings, I am in harmony with myself. I know that my feelings are my friends.
The past is left behind. The present moment creates my future.
All the changes that are coming in my life are only positive. I'm safe.
I forgive (Name of man) and let him go.
I give and release back to the source all the alien energy left in my physical and spiritual bodies.
Video: How to forgive an insult?
Video: Alexander Sviyash: Effective Forgiveness
How to understand that forgave a person?
IMPORTANT: Repeat affirmations and techniques until you feel joy and relief.
Before that, you may feel pain or aches in the body. In this case, do not stop. Keep repeating affirmations. You will definitely feel better. At first, something sticky and heavy will creep away from you. Then it will become easier for you to breathe. Your throat, then the head and the rest of the body will become free. You will feel light and warm.
How to forgive betrayal, betrayal of a loved one?
IMPORTANT: Do not concentrate on revenge.
Better focus on making you feel good. Make the situation with the offender insignificant for you.
To do this, take care of yourself, find a new hobby. Believe that the next man will be much better than the former. Remember, the offender will still know about your successes and regret it.
Read the motivating tales of Irina Semina on the topic of love and forgiveness. Tales “I won’t forgive”, “About the offense of Pereterovna”, “Amorous affairs” and others will suit you.
Wear rose quartz jewelry around your neck. He will help to love himself again and without fear to start a new relationship with a worthy man.
Video: Former partner: how to forgive, let go and create space for a new relationship
Video: How to forgive my husband?
How to forgive a person in the soul?
Start with thanks.
IMPORTANT: Gratitude is the ability to learn from any life situation.
Find the pros in what happened. Think offense is a great incentive to learn to forgive. And forgiveness will make you spiritually stronger and happier, etc.
Be prepared for what will not work right away. It will take you time to get used to the new way of thinking. Do you want the process to go faster? Read books about people who knew how to be happy even in difficult situations. One of them is Pollyanna, the heroine of the books of Elinora Porter.
Fairytale therapy will help you. This is a direction in practical psychology. Read and ponder gratitude tales. For example, Irina Syomina’s “My Eyed-Eye Happiness”.
Make fun of yourself. Try to imagine what happened with a comedic point of view. Did the offender hurt you by reminding you of some kind of weakness? Then mentally bring your flaw to an absurdity. Laugh at him heartily. After all, the healing power of laughter is enormous! By learning to make fun of yourself, you yourself will become invulnerable to resentment. Then you will automatically forgive the person.
Video: How to forgive resentment in the shower?
How to tell a person what you forgive?
How to tell a person that you have forgiven? Is it mandatory to do this? Not. He will guess by your behavior. Feels that you are no longer angry with him.
What if you don’t chat now? Depends on the situation.
- The first case.
You analyzed what happened on a sober head. We realized that you do not want to continue communication. Then do not inform the former offender of your decision. Why not resume contact.
- Second case
Man is dear to you. You want to make peace. Then it is necessary to say.
Try forgiveness to be genuine. Do not hide resentment behind a stretched smile or insincere wishes of happiness and health. Better be honest with yourself. Understand once and for all: forgiveness is the best solution for you and your health.
Video: Resentment Training on Men and Women's Health
Video: How to get rid of resentment and learn to forgive?
With one recollection of the situation that happened with a man who now rests heavily with a burden of resentment, it becomes bad. And the more you try to forget, the more emotions overwhelm you. The feeling of resentment against a man does not allow a normal life. He is a long time ago, the relationship has long ended ... And resentment against a man - remained with you.
Why are thoughts about the past so bitingly biting, holding tightly with their tentacles. It is strangled. A lump in the throat, periodically arising, so treacherously takes air, and with it forces.
Today, the systemic vector psychology of Yuri Burlan answers the question about the nature of resentment in any of their manifestations.
Why there is resentment against a man - and so it is clear. But how to get rid - you can understand this article. We will not describe the stages of the formation of resentment, it will not work. It arises both suddenly and accumulating within us.
Psychology of resentment against a man
Resentment - she is resentment. More precisely - a feeling of resentment and injustice towards you. Anything can happen: betrayed, left one pregnant, stole a large sum of money, beat, verbally humiliated. If there is resentment, there is already a reason to figure it out.
The notorious “forgive and let go” flows like a river from the lips of psychologists, from articles about insults, from friends, mothers, and friends. They offer "learn to forgive." If it were so easy to forgive and let go, no one would have had problems with resentment. Nobody would be offended by anyone. Everyone would have lived happily. Alas.
Sometimes they scare the inevitable psychosomatics, the ineffective treatment with pills. Of course, there is a connection with health, I still want to prevent problems in the future and understand how to cope.
There are tips to make fun of a man, to introduce his former man in indecent form. “Apply” a sense of humor to him. Every offended person, most likely, tried to do this. Positive results are dubious.
How to get rid of resentment against a man
The answer is simple and easy to understand. See for yourself.
There are eight vectors, eight mental properties of a person. Each has its own characteristics. Firstly, understanding and recognizing these characteristic properties in people, we have a different attitude towards the “offenders” themselves. Because we begin to understand that a person, whether a man or a woman, in one situation or another behaved according to his own properties, laid down by nature. I could not do otherwise. The annoyance goes away. Touchiness ceases to affect our lives, much less in manifestations.
Secondly, if we have an anal vector, then we have a strong memory and are especially focused on the past. We do not like lies and injustice, they are honest by nature.
The feeling of resentment and guilt is inherent only to us. Any distortions in the field of "truth-deception" to us are a knife in the heart. And until justice comes, we will walk with resentment and wish evil to the offender. Revenge is the simplest form of leveling the situation; it is born unconsciously in response to a dishonest act.
And that's not all.
There is a visual vector. The sensitive area is the eyes. They are able to distinguish many shades of color, to see and feel more subtly, sensitively and comprehensively. “They will make an elephant out of any fly” - this is what they say about people with a visual vector. The insult is small, and it is seen as the tragedy of a lifetime. Otherwise they do not know how to see.
What to do? How to deal with a monster that interferes with life.
It is easy to imagine how a person with anal and visual vectors looks. Grievances multiplied by a hundred times because of the ability to see problems larger in scale than they really are.
Moreover, with a man you once had a close trusting relationship, even had love. The emotional attachment left in your memory, mixed with resentment, does not let you go.
In forced interactions with the former, it is important to avoid attempts to manipulate feelings of guilt and resentment. And do not let a man do this in relation to you. It will not lead to anything good.
Feeling only constant annoyance and possibly anger at all men, we are unknowingly afraid of repeating the story and we find all kinds of tricks to avoid the emergence of new relationships. Not on purpose. Simple - fearing a recurrence of pain. And so the offense crushes, and then there is the fear of the repetition of suffering, regret.
Resentment against a man will not allow calmly creating new harmonious relations. You may not even notice how the constant resentment against the man with whom you broke up spread in general to relationships with the opposite sex.
How to overcome a grudge? The psychology is this: to begin to correctly use in life the properties set by nature. Correctly means, as intended. This will give release from the negative state, because there will be no need to keep in mind the past.
We often hear that you need to start with yourself. All right. Only concrete and effective recommendations are few given. There was one step to knowing yourself. Get acquainted with the systemic vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. She will give an understanding of herself and others to the fullest.
Many women have tried life without insults and now feel great. They understood their former men, and the insult disappeared. Here is what they say:
“... At the time of the first free lecture, I“ nursed ”a heavy resentment against a man, from time to time she simply overwhelmed me, and my condition was terrible, but after the first lecture the resentment was gone, I understood the“ incomprehensible ”actions and words of the person that drives them, and even after the story, Yuri realized on the very first day that my insult, as they say, “is not worth a damn” in the eyes of that man because of whom I ... were so upset, worried so much ... What? So funny! In general, I laughed at myself for a long time, almost the entire first lecture - until the morning!
Following was the second. Which cemented my achievement. This is such a relief! .. "
“... Unhappy love and terrible emotional dependence on one person led me to the training on System-Vector Psychology. As well as depression and a sense of hopelessness, resentment of parents and their unfortunate share ....
... I got rid of my love affection, I realized that that man was not urethral, \u200b\u200bas I first determined by articles, but skin-visual-sound. And that love is fear carried out, and it ends when there is no visual connection with the object of love. And indeed, everything has passed. Moreover, I stopped suffering from the fear that I had missed my real destiny, my chance in life. In fact, there are a lot of such chances on the planet, just choose the right one)))) ... "
“When you are treated badly, you must not let this resentment accumulate and influence us”
Robert Enwright, Ph.D. and pioneer in the study of the process of forgiveness from the scientific side.
All of us have ever faced betrayal or bad attitude from others: cheating on a spouse, neglecting a partner, lying friends, mocking elders - this list goes on and on.
All these events hurt us then, and memories of them continue to hurt us to this day.
Our emotions
Each person has his own reaction to the offensive actions of others. Some hope that the situation will resolve itself, some do not react at all, and some find it difficult to forget this and move on.
The emotions that cause us a bad attitude of others - are inherent in our psyche. The reason it is difficult for us to move away from a bad attitude is the following: our brain creates memories directly proportional to our emotional arousal.
It is by this principle that the brain responds to negative events, for example, to the poor attitude of others or emotional trauma. Therefore, for a very long time we cannot get rid of negative emotions caused by the abusive actions of others, namely anxiety, depression, fear, insomnia, etc.
If you experience any of the above, your psychological health needs to be able to handle it. This will take time and effort, but over time, you will feel much better mentally.
The power of forgiveness and why it is sometimes so difficult for us to forgive
Forgiveness is perhaps the only thing that can relieve us of the pain that others have caused.
Forgiving a person does not mean forgetting or justifying all his bad deeds and continuing to live on.
Forgiving means making a choice and letting go of the desire to punish the offender or yourself.
Forgiveness is our choice. The problem is that even realizing this, it can be difficult for us to truly forgive a person.
Why it happens? The reason for this is our emotions, as well as the fact that we tend to justify everything logically. Remember: you are not responsible for the actions of others.
However, you are responsible for your actions, thoughts and emotions.
You yourself are responsible for forgiving and importantly: you are responsible for your own happiness and inner peace.
How can I forgive?
As Dr. Enright explains, we should use a 4-phase model that helps us forgive ourselves or others.
Realize that you can forgive
In order to begin our path to forgiveness, we need to realize that we can forgive. At a minimum, accept the fact that forgiveness is an acceptable solution to our problem.
Choose forgiveness
“Man cannot be forced to forgive. It seems to me that it is extremely important that a person makes this choice himself, ”says Enright.
As mentioned earlier, forgiving does not mean forgetting or justifying the actions of the offender. When you realize this, and also that forgiveness can positively affect your emotions, you will be one step closer to truly forgiving.
Make a list
You will need to make a list of all people, starting from childhood, who offended you. After the list is ready, arrange all the people in a certain order: at the top of the list will be those who offended you the most, and so on descending.
Start at the end of the list, forgive your abusers and gradually move up.
Do not rush, deal with your emotions. You yourself will understand when you are ready to take the next step.
Do not keep anger in yourself
“This step is a kind of survey for you. Answer the following questions: How do you deal with anger? Do you deny that you are angry? Are you really angry more than you thought? What are the physical consequences of being angry? ”
Dr. Enright also emphasizes: “As soon as you see how rage affects you, the question will be: Do you want to get rid of it?”
Set a goal
“After you have completed the first phase and saw how all this anger inside you does not allow you to be happy - you yourself will set the goal to forgive the offender,” Enright explains.
Think about your abuser
It is at this stage that our work begins to forgive. You will need to take a fresh look at the person who offended you. Was it hurt? If so, maybe that's why he offended you.
Remember that your abuser is the same person as you
“You were both born in this world, you both will die, you both are from flesh and blood, and you both have unique DNA. There will never be more like you in the world. Think about it, your abuser can be as special, unique and indispensable as you are, ”says Enright.
Soften your heart
Intentionally or not, your abuser has made you heartless to some extent. Following the advice of Dr. Enright, you will begin to feel how all this unhealthy anger comes out of you.
Accept your pain
It is quite natural at this moment to feel strong emotions. You will feel pain, but it is thanks to it that we can move on.
“This pain will help us raise our self-esteem. If you could see humanity in someone who did not want to see it in you, you are much stronger than you thought. ”
Realize
“Usually we understand more of those around us who are suffering. For example, we are more lenient towards people who have a bad day. We understand the pain of others and want to radiate good ourselves, ”Enright explains.
When our pain passes, a certain period of awareness sets in. We understand that we have become stronger and happier.
Repeat the whole process
Remember where we started? After some time, we will need to return to the beginning and go through all the steps again.
You can forgive your offenders faster than you thought and as a result, become happier and stronger.
Article translation - Psychologists Explain How to Truly Forgive Someone And Let Go via Clubber
What happens to us when we feel offended? Roughly speaking, we are slowing down. We fall into a stupor, stop in development and live our lives in vain. Moreover, if there is no work with resentment, it can change our life scenario - from positive to negative.
How do ordinary people live? Suffer, love, rejoice, sad. They experience different human feelings inherent in them from birth.
But not all of these feelings are constructive. For example, there is one among them, which greatly spoils life - both by the "sentient" and their loved ones. It can be attributed to a kind of inability. This inability to forgive insults.
Where does this feeling come from? Sometimes it seems that since the birth of a person. Because from his early childhood, he endures not bright, happy pictures, but moments of suffering that last forever.
For example, instead of the joyful moments of childhood, one already adult girl remembers how she once suffered from the fact that her mother was late for kindergarten and took her later than the others. Perhaps some other children at that moment would have a fear that he was abandoned. Instead, she has an offense, which she did not manage to get rid of until adulthood.
Another girl could suffer when her beloved teacher seated Katenka, a pretty pupil, on her lap and exclaimed how beautiful she is. Other children ran around beside them, noticing either the teacher or Katenka. And that, touchy girl, was offended. And I also remembered this petty insult all my life.
It's hard to forgive an insult in adulthood, and what can we say about children. And such moments in the life of every person suffering from insults, there can be a lot. They hurt so much that you remember almost all of them in the smallest detail.
Or maybe you know how not to respond to grievances? And never take offense at people? Well, lucky one, then welcome to the mind of a touchy person: I will show you what happens in his sense of self at the time of resentment.
A person who is used to being offended does not necessarily cherish his grievances or remembers them on purpose - on the contrary, he wants to forget with all his might. And he seeks to learn how to learn to forgive an insult so as not to be tormented by empty memories. But this emotion devouring from within is stronger than all desires. She does not ask whether you want to test her or not, she just covers you with a wave, and you cannot resist her. Something begins to pulsate in the head, logical thinking is turned off, and inside, like a giant cancerous tumor, the feeling grows that they did not appreciate me, disliked, did not notice, did not hear. All this causes almost physical pain.
In addition, at the time of resentment, a person can feel how the world around him begins to change: to shrink where he is, and expand convexly where they are (offenders).
What does he feel at that moment? It seems to him that in their own words or deeds they trampled him, flattening his self-awareness to a micro-point. And themselves-inflated to exorbitant sizes. Yes, they ... they asserted themselves at his expense, that's what!
Offenders say: “Stop being offended! Well, what are you like a little child? "," Do not know how to forgive insults? Just take it and stop sulking. ”
Oh, if it were that simple - to turn this “function” on and off, then everyone would have done it a long time ago. "But I can not! - cried in despair offended. “I can’t forgive the insult and stop its appearance, and that’s it!”
And it is true. After all, it interferes with life, love, work, and development, finally. Having settled in his soul, she makes him a touchy “brake”, which for days on end can only think about this insult, chewing in her thoughts the smallest sensations on the subject “how it was” and “what I will do for them”, thereby tossing more and more firewood into the fire of resentment. Then how could I spend this time profitably.
Apparently, the time has come to look for answers in the science of human behavior and its causes. Psychology must know how to forgive an insult. Otherwise, why is it still needed?
HOW TO CONTACT AN OFFICIAL: WHAT PSYCHOLOGISTS ADVISE
Traditional psychology equates resentment with negative emotions. With which to fight. There are several ways to do this (if you do not take dubious methods in the form of hypnosis, meditation, and the like): satisfying emotions, restraining, switching, and, finally, chemical means.
How to forgive a grudge by quenching emotions? If we consider resentment as a reaction to unfair treatment, then the restoration of this very justice should be a quenching. But how to restore it? If you want to beat in anger, and a punching bag is suitable for these purposes, then nothing will come of resentment: you won’t be able to come up and kick the other girl off the knees of your beloved teacher to sit on them yourself. In addition, our grievances are not always adequate: it may only seem to us that they wanted to offend us, but then, upon mature reflection, we understand what we have in mind.
How to deal with resentment due to containment? Swallow something that is swallowed so badly. Sulking "in a rag." Huddle on the sidelines.
It has long been known that restraining emotions does not lead to anything good. In the case of resentment, this is especially true: swallowing resentment for resentment, we accumulate within ourselves that which is not disposed of, but that grows, expands and multiplies. And by all means one day it erupts in a powerful verbal eruption: when the offender has already forgotten to think about what he once said, a stream of reproaches falls upon him, because of which the relationship deteriorates more than if it were clarified at the first misunderstanding.
Switching. How to release a grudge with this method? From the outside, it might seem that switching is really a good way to forget an insult: I got carried away by an interesting thing, took another person’s head, and that’s all, insults have never happened. But no. This method only works with those who do not know real grievances, do not know this hard feeling, which does not let go at the click of a finger. I described above what it is, you understand, yes, that switching will not work here?
Chemicals How to survive a grudge with tranquilizers? Tranquilizers inhibit the processes of perception of negative emotions. However, they do not act to get rid of resentment: the emotion weakens, and the idea that "they offended me" remains. It remains as a statement of fact. When "chemistry" ceases to act, resentment is restored and covertly searches for a reason for manifestation.
Is it too much to try to turn off natural human emotion with chemicals? We, those who are touchy, are not mutants, so that we try to “amputate” an unnecessary feeling.
By the way, is it really not necessary? There is nothing superfluous in nature. And if we experience this feeling, then we need it? How to figure it out?
I will not torment you anymore: all the answers to these questions are given by the systemic vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. It also allows anyone to learn how to overcome an insult, even the most old-fashioned.
EFFECTIVE WORK WITH RESIDENCE
Remember, I talked about the subjective feeling of resentment? The fact that the world at the time of the infliction of severe mental wounds seemed to distort, trying to mentally destroy? It is amazing, but it is so: resentment arises only for those people for whom more important and balanced concepts than justice, honesty, straightforwardness do not exist.
The equilibrium in space for them is violated if, in their opinion (and it is always weighty among them), they were shown injustice. They didn’t evaluate as others, didn’t say what others (and they deserve it !!!), didn’t give what they did to others. Or they said something so disgusting that they didn’t tell others ... In general, they disturbed the balance and inflicted a heavy offense, which will be very difficult to overcome.
Why and why are these people so touchy? Nature endowed them with a special type of thinking, thanks to which they can process huge layers of information, sorting it according to various signs even in the process of development. The propensity for systematization, strict order, impartiality, equality - these are the categories of thinking of analists, which they carry into life.
Touchiness is the result of such thinking, a “side effect”, a reaction to situations in which the balance is disturbed.
And what, you ask, all the representatives of the anal vector are doomed to struggle with resentment all their life without success? And there is no means and way to get rid of this scourge, because of which families are crumbling, good relations are breaking, is the career going downhill?
In fact, this condition is natural, but the release from resentment should happen in childhood, when the child “outgrows” it, simply learning how to take offense. What does it mean?
Ideally, the picture is as follows. A child with an anal vector is very dependent on his mother, he expects from her manifestations of love and praise. The sensitive mother sees this and understands it, therefore she praises the child for the cause and supports him in his endeavors, instilling confidence in himself in the child. Touchiness does not bother the baby if his anal vector develops according to his needs, if he learns to give, not expecting anything in return, but not to take it for granted. Having become, he no longer suffers from bouts of resentment, which in essence is a manifestation of selfishness, insufficient development and realization in the family and society.
However, very few have an ideal childhood, and as a result, we all somehow suffer from our grievances. Unloved, offended by parents and fate.
Who prevents us from removing resentment in adulthood? In the same way, developing and realizing, like a child in an example? Yes, time is lost, the years of formation of character are gone, but for adults everything is real. Only our ignorance of exactly how to do this prevents us.
Why can't we let go of resentment with the world and move on? Because they are endowed with a very good memory, as well as the property-desire to often turn to the past. These are the necessary qualities for full implementation in society, but they play a cruel joke with us: we remember in detail the tiniest resentment and like to scroll through the details of days gone by for a long time in our heads.
So, I perfectly remember how my children's skin-visual girlfriends “offended” me, distributing roles in a children's game and giving me a role, in my opinion, inconspicuous and insignificant - compared to them. And you can remember something else, no less important for you.
What happens to us when we feel offended? Roughly speaking, we are slowing down. We fall into a stupor, stop in development and. Moreover, if there is no work with resentment, it can change our life scenario - from positive to negative.
Here is a man, potentially a professional in his field and a wonderful husband, he becomes a loser who does not have a family and children, instead of an interesting interlocutor, he turns into a gloomy beech, led in this life by the idea of \u200b\u200brevenge alone, or maybe someone worse ... This grave condition overshadows everything, highlighting the opposition “I am right” and “they are wrong”.
How to get rid of resentment ONCE AND FOREVER?
So how do you defeat a grudge against an adult? The systemic-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan teaches us to understand our mental characteristics, to see the reasons for our own resentment, to recognize in it not only the insult as such, but also a whole bunch of other conditions.
This understanding allows you to understand your past, your “hooks” and “anchors”, which do not allow you to enjoy life and breathe deeply. Resentment for everyone who has passed the training is not just an annoying hereditary trait, not a weakness or a unique character trait. Resentment is a transformation into a salt pillar, stupor, inhibition, NOT life without development and the joy of being.
Immersed in the systemic vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, you understand what to do with, a husband, child, boss or close friend: to take away the right to insult. And to turn to your past not for a retrograde search for another insult, but for your realization.
How to forget past grievances and look into a bright future, and not remember a gloomy past? To begin with an awareness of the psychological characteristics - not only of oneself, but also of strangers. What for? At a minimum, so that, realizing why other people are used to “offending” you, you look differently at situations in which you were offended before.
The deeper you are immersed in this knowledge, the less offended and understand how to get rid of feelings of resentment. Instead of a state that throws you back in development, you find your unique realization, build relationships with your family, see your goal in life. And what could be more important than this?
The article is based on the training " Systemic Vector Psychology»“Just as warm clothing protects against cold, so exposure protects against resentment. Multiply patience and peace of mind, and resentment, no matter how bitter it may be, will not affect you. "Leonardo da Vinci
Probably there is no such person who would not be offended at least once. We’ll talk about this today ...
There is a psychological understanding of resentment, but there is a spiritual one.
First, how to understand the insult in psychology.
Resentment is a feeling, an experience, although earlier it was considered as a life event. Our ancestors said, if some misfortune happened: “Here the insult has happened!”
According to S.I. Ozhegov's dictionary, in the Explanatory Dictionary of the Russian Language D.N. Ushakova, in the "Dictionary of the modern Russian literary language" definitions of resentment are similar:
Resentment - unjustly caused affliction, insult, as well as the feeling caused by such affliction.
In the “Explanatory Dictionary of the Living Great Russian Language” by V. Dahl, the following definition is given:
Resentment - “... all untruth, to the one who must bear it; everything that offends, dishonors and reproaches, causes pain, loss, or reproach. Crooked offense; scolding, beating resentment; mockery, bad reviews about whom; deprivation of one's property, property, profits, etc. .... ".
Unlike the basic emotion of anger, resentment is an acquired experience, its earliest manifestation was seen in children 5-11 months old. Most often, children learn this emotion at the age of 2-5 years from other children or adults.
Researchers in psychology say that resentment is more often inherent in people who are self-centered, self-centered, with a wounded and sensitive psyche.
In psychoanalysis, resentment is considered as a manifestation of basal (main) anxiety, which occurs as a result of crowding out basal aggressiveness.
The follower of the transactional analysis, E. Berne, regards the offense as “child behavior” when the child’s wounded ego state in a person’s personality suddenly becomes helpless and offended by communication expectations.
So, resentment arises when your expectations do not coincide with the actual behavior of the participant (participants) of communication (communication).
Resentment brings with it difficult experiences, first of all, for those who are offended. It would seem like an injustice - they offended me, I was offended and I feel worse because I am offended ...
Some psychologists share the grudge as reasonable (normal) and unfounded.
In the first case - this is an insult to the unfair attitude of loved ones; in the second, it is a demonstrative resentment, an erroneous interpretation of actions and events.
From a spiritual point of view, resentment is a manifestation of pride, superiority and comparison of oneself with others. And in all spiritual traditions, resentment is clearly interpreted as the great harm that the offender does to himself.
What happens when we are offended?
The first thing I would like to draw attention to is the blocking of feelings of love, warmth, acceptance. The more and longer a person plunges into insult, the more he moves away from others, he feels loneliness, he is unhappy, lost and ... even more wounded.
It seems to him that taking offense, he seems to avenge the insult inflicted, punishes the offender. In fact, the opposite is true. A person plunges into the past and all the time in the mind grinds the situation where he was offended; he is suffering; he does not live in this moment, but is in the past; he experiences negative feelings and loses energy, because resentment is also the inability to stand up for himself when aggression (resentment is suppressed aggression) does not find a way out in a real life situation.
Slowly, with the help of resentment, a person eats himself from the inside. Many healers argue that the occurrence of cancerous tumors is nothing more than unforgiveable insults ...
It is already clear that the offender is of no use to the offender himself or to the offender.
Staying all the time (and resentment over time becomes a character trait - resentment) in such a state of depression and inner anger at the offenders, the person gradually begins to collapse, diseases (psychosomatic) appear, the taste of life is lost, depression and emptiness appear, a feeling of loneliness and meaninglessness existence.
And many (almost all who in one way or another suffer from grievances) wonder: how to get rid of grievances, if any? Probably no one wants to be offended.
They talk about suggestion, forgiveness, but ... it’s hard to change yourself.
What to do with grievances?
Probably I won’t open America and I won’t surprise by saying about forgiveness. It’s even annoying, because it’s not so easy to forgive the offender (especially for deep wounds) and, then, everyone knows about it ...
1. Grievances must be worked on. At the heart of resentment lies the narrowness of thinking. Even Laroche Foucault once said: “People of a shallow mind are sensitive to petty insults; people of great mind notice everything and are not offended by anything. ”
It does not mean at all that one is smart, and the second is not. The fact is that every person gets used to counting events and interpreting them, relying on their own experience and beliefs.
The job is to reconsider from all sides those situations that hurt you and there are still grievances against the participants in these events, and expand your vision, look at the same with a different look.
The ability to correctly express your feelings is an art that needs to be learned; talk about your needs to another - too. When thoughts are expressed and heard, there is no place left for resentment. The fact is that the main reason that we prefer to be offended is fear and misunderstanding ...
4. Develop understanding. When you understand, then you are not offended. It's true. A person is not perfect, he is capable of doing things the way you would not like to, just because of your errors, limitations or beliefs ... having learned to understand the other, you will no longer be disturbed by resentment.
5. Accept that you are not ideal.As a rule, those who consider themselves superior and better than others are more often offended. But there are no perfect people, we are all just learning perfection. Demanding an ideal attitude (I am so good!), We expect that they will treat us the way we want and see in our fantasies.
But we can assume that the second person (our offender) is not at all perfect, he may not even suspect our fantasies and, of course, lives in his own world. Indulgence and humor in relation to oneself can help overcome grievances as well.
In conclusion, I bring this mantra here:
Mantra for the offended (Osho).
Repeat out loud, until the resentment disappears.
“I’m such an important turkey that I can’t allow anyone to act according to their nature if I don’t like it. I am such an important turkey that if someone said or didn’t do what I expected - I will punish him with my insult. Oh, let him see how important this is - my insult, let him receive it as a punishment for his "misconduct." After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I do not value my life. I do not appreciate my life so much that I do not mind spending her precious time on resentment. I will give up a minute of joy, a minute of happiness, a minute of playfulness; I would rather give this minute to my insult. And I don’t care that these frequent minutes will turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years. I do not mind spending the years of my life offended - because I do not value my life. I do not know how to look at myself from the side. I am very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I have to guard my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who touched it. I will hang a sign on my forehead: “Caution, angry dog” and let only someone try not to notice it! I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity - to forgive, a drop of self-irony - to laugh, a drop of generosity - not to notice, a drop of wisdom - not to catch, a drop of love - to accept. I’m a very, very important turkey! ”